One of the worst events that a person can experience is when they are driving over a long distance. Everything is going fine until those three cups of coffee and that lousy burrito inside of you decide to take a nose dive into your small intestine without solidifying. With nowhere to turn but a lone truck stop in the middle of nowhere. You run in without giving a thought to the fact that the toilet that you are about to sit on is probably going to give you diseases that nobody has even made up an unpronounceable name for yet. You were lucky this time. You barely got your britches down and started to sit down when you had a major blow out. The pure liquid burrito burns as all of that acid from the hot sauce passes through your buttocks. After the initial shockwave has come to pass, there is a slight lull; you know more is coming, so you wait it out. To pass the time you read the random graffiti on the walls, ranging from the usual for good time call………… to the one that you never saw before: Bathroom tennis! Look left, look right, and the most shocking: the cameras are for research purposes only, please conduct your business as usual. Then that random air plug that holds it all in is released as the sound waves reverberate from the hopper, much like a guitar and in a satisfying plop, the rest comes out. Now satisfied that it all came out alright, and a giant snake didn’t craw up between your legs you go to grab the toilet paper, yes, you know the kind, that cheap single ply that you could use for sand paper and is about as thick as an atom. You start wiping and before you know it you just poked a hole through the tp and now you’ve got doodoo all over your hands. To make matters worse, when you reach for more to finish the job and wipe your hands off, there is no more.
What I have just described is going to be a fact of life if some liberals and environmental mental cases get their wish. According to them America is destroying the planet by using two ply toilet tissue. I know, this is ridiculous, but it is true. You know what’s worse than two ply tp? Three ply! Yes some companies are now making three ply toilet paper. Because of this the world is being destroyed because we wipe our butts. Remember a couple of years back, Sheryl Crow made a big deal that she was going to save the planet by only using one sheet of toilet paper at a sitting. I wonder how that is going for her. I’ve got a few words for her: Viral Gastroenteritis, what we in the medical profession jokingly call poopy fingers. Because if you have it, it means that somewhere down the line you got fecal material on your hands and somehow ingested it, so as a result you’ve got the poops and pukes. Another consideration is the fact that she is a she, and that means they need a little extra tp at times, so you mean to tell me that she is going to continually give herself an urinary tract infection to set an example and save the planet? What about those little poo particles that you miss with the first swipe, are you just going to leave them there, and smell and/ or get diaper rash?
I have heard multiple times over the years that there are more trees on this planet now then when Columbus got here. There are vast forests all over, but since we like being sanitary we are evil and killing earth. What about the rest of the world? The two billion people in China, that’s a lot of poop. Then of course the Indians have a billion people, but I guess they don’t poop, so either they’re full of it or they are non human reptilian creatures that don’t require sustenance. But they aren’t Americans so they are OK.
Trees are a renewable resource, we cut them down, and in a couple of years they will be back. Example: the entire state of Pennsylvania was clear cut, now there are trees everywhere. So they will grow back. It’s not the end of the world because we cut down a couple of trees. I think the groups behind this waste more paper by existing and trying to convert me to a tree hugging yuppie that thinks the best way to control the population of bears is to put condoms on them. They put flyers on my windshield; I look at them then throw them out. So we’ve eliminated the practicality of what and how we should use tp, so let’s look at other options. Corn cobs, they have been used in the past, I have used them, not on my can, but on cats then poured turpentine on it, so that is a no go. Will in Islamic countries they wet their left hand in a bowel then use their bare hand, remember poopy fingers? So that rules that one out too.
This, ladies, and gentlemen is not practical, let alone safe. If they want to wallow around in their own filth let them as long as I don’t have to deal with it. They should set the example for all of their anti- American propaganda and do as they say would work, like put the rubbers on the bears themselves, for instance. I think that might qualify for a Darwin award. The truth is they must not poop themselves, (for the west coasters that doesn’t mean that they never shart but that they never defecate) because boy, are they ever full of it.